tv The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Comedy Central December 17, 2012 11:00pm-11:30pm PST
♪ or some other gyp religion ♪ ♪ crappy toys flying off the shelves ♪ ♪ midgets dressed up to look like elves ♪ ♪ spread good cheer or burn in hell ♪ ♪ it's a merry (beep) christmas ♪ (everyone) merry christmas. ♪ all the kids go to bed each night ♪ ♪ to dream what santa brings 'em ♪ ♪ unless they're jewish or muslim ♪ ♪ or some other gyp religion ♪ ♪ crackling fires to keep me warm ♪ ♪ and my collection of asian porn ♪ ♪ cradle my bells and work my horn ♪ ♪ it's a keep on trucking ♪ ♪ last year sucking midget chucking ♪ ♪ slap the puck in ♪ how much wood could a woodchuck chucking ♪ ♪ merry (beep) christmas [cheers, applause] captioned by elrom, inc. www.elrom.tv
>> from company dee central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. we've got a show for you tonight. going to break the bank. my guest tonight, right here on this stage, should i say a certain boss from new jersey? (cheers and applause) not that one. governor chris christie. huh? he's the boss. (applause) the other boss. folks, we've been so wrapped up here in this country with
our election, our fiscal cliff, our inattention to events in egypt and syria that we forget there are important international stories that deserve our focus. and then there's this one. >> yes, exciting the british royalty is expanding am will and kate with preggers. >> see that, it's a royal baby bump, what a joy to be here on this day of celebration. >> there's the picture on the times, we're expecting. and then i love this one, kate's expectations. (applause) >> jon: not bad. kind of obvious, i mean if you want to go with pregnancy puns based on british literature. why not macbirth or why limit yourself to english literature y not madam's ovaris. (laughter) the prince and the hopper.
portrait of the fetus as a young man. wait, wait! perhaps dickens was best, a tale of sore titties. (laughter) (applause) >> it was the best of-- the breast of times what an erudite crowd. titties. >> come on, it's just a babbee. you can't tell me british people actually give a crap about this stuff. >> i just come and it's really exciting because-- sorry. >> oh, you're happy for them. >> i am happy. >> jon: don't get too overwhelmed. that woman is the royal weeper.
for runs of years her family has served as the house of windsor's official strong emotion surrogate. so what a commoners think. >> that's just another one, isn't it. you know, you know. (laughter) >> jon: that is not the accent you expect from apopadopolous. to me the most striking thing about kate's pregnancy is how much the media wanted to let us know that they totally knew she was pregnant. >> tabloid speculation began even before the wedding. fueled by every touch of the belly, every sip of plain water, every dress with a changing waistline. the signs were there just last week during a visit to cambridge. kate was spotted tickling the feet of a baby boy in the crowd. >> that doesn't mean she's pregnant. that just means she's human. how do you not tickle a
baby's feet. what, before she was pregnant she was just giving babies the heightsman, just that. get out of my face, baby. i'm not pregnant, i tickle baby's feet. the drinking water, tickling baby's feet, any other subtle hints. >> intractable vomiting or throwing up that going on several timeance hour. (laughter) >> jon: apparently the duchess of windsor has been flinging her biscuits, as they say. so while morning sickness may be all right for commoners, the royals puke fancy. >> she is is suffering from what is called hyperemesis. >> hyperemesis gravidarum. >> isn't that the spell that us ed to defeat voldemort. >> hyper, mesis gravidarum.
blah. >> hyperemesis gravidarum. >> not cool, hermione. >> luckily kates had now recovered from the vomiting and with all the speculation about whether she's pregnant finally behind us, perhaps we can get down to more serious speculation. >> the book makers are already running bets on, you know, is it a boy or a girl. >> 8 to 1 the hair color will be ginger. >> what will the royal baby look like. >> where will it go to skl. >> 8 to 1 it is the baby is born a girl, elizabeth. >> boy maybe, maybe charles, maybe george. >> the wagering begins. >> a child will be born unto us. and he shall cease upon it for o amusement from the get-go. it does raise the philosophical question does loss of privacy again at conception? let's hope. for our-- for our entertainment's sake, she has a litter. >> could the morning sickness mean twins?
>> headline this morning s it twins. >> maybe even twins. >> maybe. >> so if it's twins to clarify the doctor will need to decide which baby to pull out first and that will-- that's the heir. (laughter) obviously i'm not a doctor but i'm not sure that's how it works. you know what i say, screw the doctor, let the impartialality of the claw machine decide. (laughter) for more we're joined by senior prenatal correspondent samantha bee. samantha, thanks for joining us. (cheers and applause) >> thank you. >> jon: sam, obviously there's a lot of speculation about this baby, what are you hearing? >>. >> jon, i can end all the speculation right now. it's a boy. his name is philip, not a ginger, thank god. loves adele, hates russell
brand. believes that one day he will get in india back for england. >> jon: wait, now that-- that is incredibly detailed for the first trimester. did you talk to one of kate's mades in waiting, did you get ahold of the medical records. >> jon, i just met him. i'm in kate middleton's uterus. >> stephen: . >> jon: what sm. >> it's beautiful, it's so pretty. >> jon: really from how is that possible? (applause) >> jon: how is that possible? >> jon, it's called journalism. listen, i didn't spend three years working for murdoch and hacking the phones of dead sollier's families to not know how to sneak up a royal vagina. whooo! >> jon: pretty ornate. >> yeah, wow. this thing is a crazy upgrade from your standard baby baker. >> jon: yeah. >> the embryonic fluid is a 1911 chateau lafite that was
recovered from the titanic. the umbilical cord, hand sewn custom hermes zubling and archival print they brought back just for this little guy. and oh my god, the upstairs milk bar they're putting together? whoa, the selection, whole milk, 1%, soy, goat, milling from a jamaican wet nurse. it's amazing. >> jon: really? >> yeah, it is a suckler paradise. >> jon: it seems like you have your work cut out for you i sure do. but now i'm going to take the next number 2 train out of here f you know what i mean, yeah. >> jon: yeah, no, i-- we get it. >> i will ride one of kate's royal poops into the toilet. >> jon: explanation was í:1y/&-48çj
my guest tonight, the governor of the great state of new jersey please welcome to the program governor chris christie. (applause) thank you for joining us. how you have been? >> are you getting any rest at all? >> yeah, started to last week a little bit after thanksgiving, i tried to get a little more street, a couple days off. >> jon: you and i may not agree on everything but i think we both, two things we very much agree on. we both can't wait and know that our great state of new jersey is going to bounce back stronger than ever, going to rebuild. >> absolutely. (cheers and applause) >> jon: and we both would very much like bruce springsteen to hug us. >> yeah, he did hug me recently. >> jon: de really. >> yeah, when we were at the telethon. >> jon: oh, the telethon. >> that nbc had. you know, i was on the stage afterward talking to steve van zandt and max weinberg
and all of a sudden they were looking behind mow and they moved away. and stopped talking. so i turned around. there he was. >> jon: and there he was. >> there he was. an he came up and put his hand out. and so i shook his hand. i tried to be cool. i wasn't. and then he said come on, give me a hug. and i said all right. and i hugged him. and-- . >> jon: go he -- did he go come on, stop, let me go. >> no, i was-- you know that is always hard to judge, right, when dow stop the man hug, it's hard. >> jon: you got to give also this, the pat, or did you just go slow dance. >> no i went slow dance. >> jon: you got to be kidding me. >> i z i when slow dance. >> jon: no pat. >> no pat, i went slow dance. but, but then he said the most amazing thing to me. he said it's official, we're friends. >> jon: oh, wow. that's nice. (applause) >> yeah. >> jon: that's nice. i'm happy for you. >> you know what it's like,
though, jon, i'm looking for a little more now. >> jon: really? >> you know, it's tough it sticks in your head, you condition stop thinking about it, 132 shows, i mean. >> jon: today though you were down in dc, trying to get some money from these guys. >> yup. >> jon: to help jersey. what are we dealing with down there? are they coming up with some relief. >> yeah, i think they will. you know, it's a typical thing that goes on. you're talking about the numbers and how much and we put our number out there. and try to convince the president and the congress that they need to come through with this and come through with it quickly because as you know we have people suffering. >> jon: still. >> and we need to get them back to work. >> i done know, the scope of this thing truly was like something that i have never in my life on comprehended could occur in that area, from down in southern jersey all the way up staten island, the whole area, utterly devastated. >>it is incredible. i know, when i went out the day after the storm and first we couldn't land. we had to do it by air.
i mean i just saw things destroyed that i-- you get disoriented because as you know about the shore there are certain kind of iconic things on the shore that help you to orient. and some of of that was gone. not like just destroyed it was gone. there were certain things where i didn't know, the only reason i knew there had been a house there was the in the ground pool was still there. but there was nothing left of the home itself. it was all gone. >> jon: people don't realize this, there are, when you look at that row on the ocean there are really nice houses there but these are working class communities. by the bays there, inland a little bit, union beach, these are working communities that need to rebuild and need the money. this isn't just millionaires or second homes and that type of thing. >> definitely not. in fact i was telling the folks in washington today that the homes that were damaged or destroyed, 80% of them were the person's sole residence. and so people think it's like the millionaire homes on the beach. but really most of the folks are this is where they live every day this is where
their kid goes to school. this is where they're retired too. >> jon: so you are in a weird spot. because you're a guy, so you are down there, are you asking for money. the same day the legislature in new jersey they ask if new jersey is going to do an obamacare exchange. >> yeah. >> jon: so you're down talking to the president while in your state they're saying are you going to do one of those state exchanges. you want money from him but down here you vetoed the exchange. go he know about that? de say like maybe i'll throw in another billion like-- what kind of-- what kind of horse trading are we talking about. >> no, no, he didn't. listen, i think he understands that there are all different kinds of issues. and there are going to be some that we agree on and some we don't. but we got to work together. and i think what he cares about most is that when you sit across from him and trying to talk to him, you reason with him, and you be fair. i think that's what we tried to do through the storm. and not play politics and just play it straight and fair. >> jon: see that's the storm, any time an event like this,
it's humbling. because you know the political game was far more vitriolic and far more hyperbolic well we had some fun with you, the woke before the storm you were out there, president obama couldn't lead his way out of a paper bag way fistful of 20s. and then right after the storm was over you were like this man is the leader. he is-- like doesn't that -- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: . >> jon: doesn't that tell you something about the game. >> what it tells me is that people have different skill sets at different times. s this's what it tells me. >> jon: i see. so he wasn't a leader until you needed leadership. >> maybe, maybe until he was presented with a stark opportunity to lead. >> jon: all right, fair enough. we'll get into that because that is a good philosophical discussion to have. we'll come back. one more with governor chris christie when we come right back.
>> oh, hey, everybody, so the christie interview went long there will be a weird cut in it the end. we got diverted by the whole devil its rangers kerfuffle. but i hope you enjo i it because i did and i think he did. and weee! (cheers and applause) >> welcome back to the program, we're here with above never chris christie. so we talked earlier about a philosophical differences of goff fern-- governing. so this bring up this is one of of the larger pet peeve force me to the party to which you currently belong. >> currently? >> jon: i think you're going to have to start your own because i don't think republicans will be happy because you've been too nice to obama too. so new jersey is in trouble. and it needs the federal government to step in and you go to them and you say i need this amount of money. and there's some horse trading. but for the most part they're going to deliver at least 30 billion dollars to
the state of new jersey, wouldn't you say? or maybe even a little more. >> i'm hopeful, hopeful. >> jon: at the same time they want to set up exchanges for health insurance. >> right. >> and you don't want to do that. >> right. >> i don't want to do it right now. >> jon: when they're doing it. >> well, no, no, no. because here's the issue, jon. and why i vetoed it. i'm asking a bunch of questions about how much it will cost and everything else. and they won't answer my questions, so i say to them listen, and what i said today is i'm to the going to do this now. the law permits you to make a decision later if you want to. >> i think you have a week. >> no, that is just the first step. but the law permits you to change back to a state exchange. i said if you will tell me by december 14th, if i don't have the information i can't make a smart decision. so if you can't give me the information-- so we are still complying with the law because the law gives three option, state, partnership, or federal. so i say dot federal one. if you ever give me all the information that makes me believe that it is worthwhile for our state to do it i will reconsider my
decision. but you can't not answer my questionsnd expect me to make a decision. >> jon: although i think the state exchanges are certainly more flurbd out than the federal ones they have even got into. at least-- laid out the framework for the state exchanges. >> except she doesn't tell us how much it going to cost or how much control we are really going have. >> this call in the state exchange doesn't mean i get to make the decisions as i looked at east least a little it looked like they were deciding like it was a senior partner junior partner set up. >> if i'm going pay for it. >> the other way around wouldn't it be senior partner or no partner. >> but i'm not paying for it. >> how much is it, 10 million within i don't know. >> here is my point. >> here is my point. you know, i they were going a lot the state 9 million. >> i don't know that is all it is going to cost. >> exactly. >> the rest son me. >> exactly right. >> so my point to you is but when you need it, for hurricane relief, they don't come to you and say but wait a minute, how exactly is this going to go. what is the money going go
for. >> sure they do. >> not to the same extent that you are asking from them for these exchanges. >> in fairness. >> and you need quickly. >> yeah, but first of all i think there are a couple differences. the first one is that they are asking for all that information. and we're providing them information every day. >> as best you can. >> of course. >> an they're doing, i would think as best they can, the same. how much information. >> ex-- except the difference is, the difference is that here we have people in new jersey who are in a crisis situation that could not be anticipated. and for my perspective, the federal government has always stood up for that proposition whether it was katrina, ike, gustav, they've come forward and do that, nothing different here. >> jon: here is my point and this is where i partways with the republican party in an enormous way. if you have cancer and you don't have health insurance, that's hurricane sandy. >> sure. but let me tell you this-- (applause) >> not having, but not having-- wait a second, not having a state-based exchange is not the
equivalent of not having coverage. because you could have a partnership with the state, or a federal exchange. >> jon: this was a plan that they designed. my point was this, in a larger philosophical point it always seems to me that for the republican party if it's not something they personally need, it is an entitlement of the 47% that are sucking things out of the government. >> but when they need it, when they need it, there is all the reasons in the world why it should be there to the tune of $30 billion. >> see this not something the republican party needs. -- exactly right. >> what i'm doing is representing every person in my state. >> exactly. >> republicansing democrats and that's what we are doing but it's not what the republican party wants or doesn't want. there could be differences in philosophy, jon. >> jon: the philosophy i seem to always see from them is things that other people need are entitlements am things that they need are things that should be done and should be done quickly
and immediately. in the sense of dick chyanny is a very conservative guy but he is for gay marriage because he has a daughter. they have empathy for things that affect them but have a hard time seeing the picture that other people are suffering. >> well, listen, i would disagree in this sense. you know, you haven't heard one republican argue so far about the fact that we should be taking care of new jersey and hurricane sandy. >> jon: we have heard republicans talking about offsets that we should never give -- >> by the way, you haven't-- . >> jon: maybe not for this situation. >> but not for this situation, that's an enormous difference. and so you can't just say it's just for republicans. this is our state. >> jon: our state is a democratic state. >> jon: but here is what we've got to do. we go down to what dow call it delorenzo he and have a nice tomato pie. >> that would be nice. >> jon: and solve the problems of the worlding to in a booth. >> i'm ready to do it, let's do it. >> jon: governor christie, (cheend app applaus